Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

I am a connoisseur of drek. I sat uncomplaining through all of Battlefield Earth, twice. I've seen Manos: Hands of Fate without Joel & the 'Bots (although Torgo's theme is one of my ringtones) and I even sort of like the Daredevil Director's Cut. I will gladly tell you exactly why Waxworks II and House 2 are completely awesome if you give me the chance. I love me some Troll 2. On my shelf right now is a worn, much-watched DVD of Ice Pirates. I read an article this morning about the Evel Knievel movie, and I cannot wait to get my hands on it. I truly love bad movies, and have spent more weekend hours consuming cinematic pablum than is probably safe for me to really think about.

 

The thing about bad movies is that they are still bound by the laws of physics, which is to say that even when the act of watching a bad film moves from "endurance test" into "death march," you can still be confident that eventually you will find the film's internal logic. The horror on-screen will achieve terminal velocity, and then you can just hang on and pray that when it finally crashes into the inevitable climactic shitpuddle, you won't get too much on you. Even when the poorly spliced-together remains of unfinished Japanese horror films are meshed into a Frankenstein's monster of Kurosawa and Star Wars, you can find a level on which to relate to the movie in question. It's all just a matter of attitude and expectation.

I say these things so that you will understand me as a man who has consumed Steven Seagal's entire oeuvre at least twice when I say that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is absolutely, without any doubt, the single worst film I have ever seen in my entire life. It is the Michael Jordan of bad movies, so clearly far-and-away beyond all of its peers that it is unlikely anything will top it in my lifetime (except possibly the inevitable Transformers 3).

I did not go into Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen with such expectations of magnificence. I've seen all of Bay's films, and liked almost none. I expected the first Transformers film to suck on toast, but left it feeling mildly entertained and pleasantly surprised. When I heard that Bay himself was writing the sequel, however, I knew it would be terrible. I had no idea how far Bay's genius for mediocrity extended.

 

( Spoilers below. Joyful, unmitigated spoilers. )

One thing is certain: Whether an accident or done on purpose, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen has brought about some of the most brilliant film criticism our young century has yet produced. If you haven't heard enough yet after reading my insane ravings, I strongly advise you to read both the reviews I've linked. They're fantastic, especially the one at io9.com.